My four-year-old refused to go to school...

My four-year-old son started going back to kindergarten/daycare December of last year. March of last year, that was when my second son was born and I started working from home, so Bruce spends full time at home with us. At the beginning of Bruce going back to school, I had everything planned out. His grandfather goes to work at 8 o clock in the morning. I wanted to train him to go to school riding with his grandfather, that way; I won’t have to drive him to school. Then I can pick him up at 6 o clock in the evening that will give me plenty of time working from home while watching my second son. After school, I will have dinner with my sons, next taking shower, spending time together and then getting ready for bed. After they go to bed, I will have time for myself to read book, watch online tv or complete more work. Personally I felt that my plan was perfect.


So then, it started with every morning me getting my oldest son ready, riding in his grandfather`s car together with both my boys and then get ready to pick him up at 6. Things went smoothly at first. Then little things started to change. First change, I started having classes in the evening, or I have late counseling or business appointments which run into my time to pick him up. So I started getting help from his grandmother or his aunt to pick him up at school. And when I have late evening classes, I usually get home when the kids were already in bed. Second change, my personal time after the kids went to bed is running overtime. I started getting to bed late at night which consequently, I have a hard time waking up early. My getting up late means Bruce getting up late, so he started rushing through his morning routine, his breakfast, and getting into his grandfather`s car all alone.

Now, I am not going to lie. He has tried a few tricks so that he can stay at home from the very beginning. For examples, he will try not to cooperate when getting ready, or he will eat very slowly, or he will ask to watch TV or play before going to school, or that he was tired. With a help like a reward system (get a star when he gets ready), or bring his favorite snacks/book/toy to school, he always ended going to school with a smiley face. However, about two to three weeks ago, he started plain refusal to go to school. “I don’t want to go to school” he would say firmly.

For heaven sakes, that was when the war started. Morning crying, screaming, yelling, full grown throwing tantrum while Bruce getting ready and getting into the car. Meanwhile, I also started with every trick that was either recommended (i.e. set natural consequences for not going to school, which is to not able to have fun at home and call his teacher to explain why he decided to not go to school; getting a reward after going to school, either an ice-cream or spend time with me at the playground; express my expectations/feelings and listen to his expectations/feelings and how his behaviors was impacting me; discuss with him his desire reward of positive behaviors) or not recommended ( i.e. threaten him with spanking if he does not go to school, take him to school and let him cry all the way in the car; bribe him with goodies before he goes to school; full force of angry/frustrated mother`s yelling) by parenting experts just so that I could get Bruce to go to school. However, with all these refusal going to school, the most curious thing it that he would have his big smiles and energetic self once his teacher came welcoming him at the school door.

The mind and physically torturing event was creating the most unfriendly home atmosphere. I feel utterly discouraged, tired and worried. I am worried that I created too big of a deal and traumatized my son which could caused school phobia in the future. I am worried that other might think less of me because I can`t even get my child to school. But, I am truly very blessed, not only I have a very good family support system which is very important in raising children, the knowledge/experience and interaction of my job keep me on tracks. Last week during training feedback time, I admitted to the group my frustration, my fear and my lack of ideas. I felt understood, relieved, and most important “human”, after all, I am not competing for best mother of the year award.

I started taking actions as soon as I got home. I reviewed all the signs and what Bruce had told me, that the reason he did not want to go to school was because he wanted to stay at home with me and his brother. I am sure that he likes his school, because he always has his big smile once he get to school, and he often demonstrates what he had learned from school at home with enthusiastic. First thing, I called Bruce`s daycare, and told them my situations. I requested assistance in excusing Bruce for being late to school, and picking him up early on days I needed to have evening classes so that he can go to work with me. I started cutting my tv time at night, going to bed earlier, to let him sleep in a little later, not rushing him through his morning routine, let him eat his breakfast on his pace with me and his brother, and then drive Bruce to school with both of my boys in the car. I also started picking him up 30 mins earlier for fun time after school. Of course, I also sneak in a non recommended method which was creating competition between him and his brother. (i.e., Your brother is putting on the uniform, your brother is getting ready to go to school, your brother is getting into the car) After all, I am only human and deserve to have a break.

This morning, Bruce told me loudly, “mommy, I want to go to school.” He put on his uniform, his backpack and got into the car all by himself. He also made funny faces to his brother, because his brother could not do any of those things by himself. We were singing songs enthusiastically during ride, and got to school with happy faces. Bruce got out of the car, greeted his teacher, said good bye to me. Finally, he routinely said “see you later mommy, I love you mommy” and went into his school.

As I was saying “Have a good day, Bruce” to him, I was thinking, today is a good day, and I will take one day at a time.

Sense of control...

First, let me tell you a story. During my practicum in US for my master of guidance and counseling, I came across a 6- years old Chinese American girl who has school phobia. She would cried and cried when her mother, who was Taiwanese origin, drop her off school in the morning. The little girl would hold on to the car door while yelling and screaming. Her mother was helpless. She did not know what had gone wrong.

During counseling, the mother told me that this little girl loved school when she was 4 years old. In fact, she loved not only school, she loved her after school ballet lessons, swimming lessons, piano lessons, and private Chinese language lessons (in US, most schools do not provide Chinese language class). And when she turned 6, her mother decided to let her have after class tuition to help with her school subjects as well. The most curious thing, this bright cute happy little girl suddenly became so frightful of school, strangers and all her after school curriculums.

When my professor and other American students heard the conversation through the two-way mirror, they were confused. They asked me after session, (this is the words they use) “Why in the world would anyone force a 6 years old little girl to have all this after school activities? And how was I able to be so clam facing this mother” My answer was “ because most children in Asia are expected to be able to go to all these after school lessons, if not more.” They were shocked at our approach in raising children.

Just the other day, one of my friends said, “but, children today are bored with higher stress tolerances so they will be able to handle more stress and workload”. My answer to her was “ perhaps the children are born to be more tolerable, but the big question is will the stress and workload be good for them?”

According to Erick Erickson (founder of The development stages for children) and many other experts, development of sense of control is an important develop milestone for any child and it starts from young age. Children who were not able to develop proper sense of control of either self or environment will very likely to have low esteem, lack of sense of self and responsibilities, more likely to be anxious, to be fearful, to be depressed, less ability to cope with new life events or new environment.

Putting aside what experts says, imagine you yourself being drag from one place to another starting from 7 o’ clock in the morning to 9 or 10 o’clock at night, days after days, years after years without the capability to refuse. Doesn’t life seems so long and purposely suddenly. 

Another side of the story, since I have started SEED, I have been approached by numerous families who have the same problem; their young children are too timid, too fearful. Or worst, their older children had mental breakdown after obtaining 9As but was not able to apply to local university.  

So please ask yourself, if you would rather rise a child who might be able to get 9As during SPM because she was forced to participate in all kind of grantee-to-get-A tuition but have no idea who she is, what her purpose of life or worst someone who can have mental breakdown easily. Or a happy wholistic child who is healthy in all aspect of life, knows herself, her purpose of life but might not get 9A because she knows being a human there are other things that are more important. 

在大厅广众前批评我们孩子

我今天遇到了这个情况。 


当我在影印某一文件时，一名妇女一边被她5岁的儿子拉扯着她的手，她一边在和店员投诉她儿子的种种行为。


我们是否会在某成人面前对着其他人批评他？ 谈话时就好象旁边的人是无形的？ 那为什么我们有会在别人前面评论我们的孩子，好象我们的孩子是无形的呢？ 

每一回聽見大人這樣說孩子，總覺得好不忍心。这是会引起孩子的羞愧与挫敗.挫敗的是孩子会觉得自己做不好，讓成人失望。而這種種的感覺，还得同時在大庭廣眾、眾目睽睽之下，被揪出來。那是多难受？

沒有任何一個大人受得了自己在大庭廣眾下被羞辱，那為什麼我們的孩子（幼兒）應該承受呢？為什麼我們會毫不猶疑的、高高在上的，在眾目睽睽下，責備那身高只及腿或腰的幼兒呢？

或許這其中的重要關鍵就是，我們不覺得幼兒有自尊心。我們覺得他們那矮矮的身驅裡，沒有太多感覺，沒有太多自尊。所以，我們的話不會讓孩子受傷，就算受傷，也是一點點。

更或許，在我們小時候，我們的自尊心也被默視了，所以現在長大了的我們，也看不見幼兒的自尊心？

但是羞辱有用嗎？以羞辱為手段的幼兒教養，會有什麼問題呢？

直接攻擊個人的自尊，讓人覺得渺小、一無是處，所達成的效果就是羞愧。孩子生活在這類的語言下，所成就的是大人的願望，所犧牲的，是孩子自身的尊嚴。

傷害孩子的尊嚴，最大的影響就是孩子覺得不應該正視自己的想法、情緒和感覺。傷害孩子的尊嚴，所帶來的長遠影響是，他們日後也不會正視他人的想法、情緒和感覺。這樣的輪迴，所帶來的默視情緒，甚至情緒傷害，永無止境。

個兒小不表示自尊線也很低

打屁股OK！？？

我的学识告诉我打孩子的屁股不是一个有效的方法，父母，尤其是当你感到生气时。不过，有时间我的手反应速度比我的想法快...今天是这些的日子之一。我的大儿子是个动者。他推他人是为引起别人的注意，是当时他感到激动，是当他觉得无聊，或许是在其他的条件下。他喜欢在他的祖父看电视坐在沙发上时推打祖父的后脑，他的祖父明确的解释他的行为造成危害告诉他，然而，今天再次发生。我右手抓他的左手，我举起左手，打了他的左手掌心，告诉他“不”，“timeout”又和他解释，他推人是“不好的行为”。是的，我什么都做了。他哭了两分钟。不久，他又开始向周围的运行。几分钟之后，我意识到 我有一个拇指受伤了。我吓坏了，赶紧检查了他的手。幸运的是，他的手没有受伤， 但有一块红色的地方。内 疚和恐惧占据了我。对他来说，他再没有推人了吗？我怀疑。但是，对于我来说，我学到打屁股（包括手甚至用手拍打）是不行的。

我的儿子是同性恋 - 由警察的妻子

这是关于一个非常勇敢的母亲和她的儿子的一个故事。

我的儿子是同性恋

" 或者他不是。 我不在乎。 他仍然是我的儿子。 并且他只有5岁。 并且我是他的母亲。 如果您对以上提到的任何东西有问题，我不想要认识您。 我反复去想是否张贴事关于我的儿子和他万圣节服装选择的详细。 或者明确地，对这件事的反应。 几天后我还是仍然厌烦，所以我张贴了我的想法。

这就是导致对我的反感的事实：

1. 我儿子5岁，并且去教会幼稚园上课。

2. 他从开发能力和注意力可以坐直开就观看它爱的Scooby Doo。

3. 万圣节是一个假日，它的主要焦点是穿着的服装。

4.我儿子的学校安排孩子装饰，做一次小的游行后，换下服装去派對。

5.Boo's最好的朋友是一个小女孩。

6.Boo有一个年长的姐姐

7.Boo花费大多数时间与我在一起。

8.我是女人。

9.我是BOO的母亲，不是您。

万圣节几周之前，BOO的决定他想要是装扮Scooby Doo的Daphne，与他的最好的朋友E.一起。 他两三年前穿戴了作为Scooby。 我犹豫，没有购买，，因为它是一个男扮女装的情况。而且，五岁小孩有一个改变主意的倾向。 在请求两三更多次以后，我答应了并且发出了订单。 当服装到达时，他开心翻了。 一切是完美的。 然后，当我们得到了离实际日子较近，他开始左右而言他。 在讨论后， 他终于说出害怕人们笑他。 我指出某些人民会，因为这是一套逗人喜爱和聪明的服装。 他坚持他们的笑声是嘲笑的种类。 不会的，谁会取笑服装的一个孩子？ 大日子到达。 我们换了衣服。 我们到达他的幼稚园， BOO不想要离开汽车。 他害怕他人将会说和做的事。 我说服他到里面去。 他在门口止步不前。 他是显然地紧张的。 我认为这自是一般来的烦恼。 这世界那会取笑一个孩子万圣节的一套服装？ 他进了学校。 我的朋友佩带微笑和挥动并且给了他鼓励。 我们步行沿着大厅向他的教室走。 那里出了事。 二个母亲吃惊的面孔，好象他们嗅到了尸体。 我意识到我的儿子也看到了。 因此我说， “他看起来很好吧？” A妈妈厌恶地说， “要他求的吗？!” 我说，肯定了，因为万圣节是您可以成为您想要的季节。 他们继续八卦，问我为什么没设法拒绝他。 B妈妈震动和沮丧的站立了那里。 然后C妈妈的方法是- 她看见我们进来和跟随我们在大厅下告诉我她的想法。 说我不应该这么做， 还好不是在幼稚园，因为我会必须严厉阻止这样的事。 我镇静地回复我不会阻止，并且不想再谈论。 她不停继续关于孩子怎样的卑鄙，并且他怎样会被嘲笑。 我的反应是： 似乎唯一有问题的人是孩子们的母亲。 另一个妈妈指出高中经常有女孩穿戴象男孩反之亦然的活动天。 我提及了足球运动员穿戴象啦啦队员反之亦然的Powderpuff比赛。 或者每个frat男孩在学院打扮象女生(A妈妈说她的丈夫是frat男但从未打扮象妇女。) 但是这点，和您无关。 如果您认为我允许的儿子在万圣节打扮一个女性就会成为同性恋者，那么您是蠢货。 首先，这是个可笑概念。 其次，如果我的儿子是同性恋者， 也OK。 我也一样爱他。 第三，我不担心您的儿子将长大会成为是一个忍者，所以滚开。
如果我的女儿穿戴了蝙蝠侠，没人会批判， 没人。 但是也是令人心碎的是我五岁小孩已经懂得担心。 他知道有象A、B和C.的人们。 并且他， 5岁的小孩，关注他们怎样察觉他，并且将发生什么在他身上。
令人心碎的那些父母，最近被由于胁迫而失去了他们的孩子的。 胁迫是不对的。 即使您用蝴蝶结包裹了并且称它“关心”。那些妇女设法胁迫我和我的儿子。 我的儿子。
显然的我没有虐待和忽略我的孩子。 他们不是完美的，但是他们学会如何驾驶这大和有时残暴的世界。 我恨我的儿子必须站在自称基督徒妇女前面时吸取这个教训。 我恨那些妇女的那些想法和更坏地舒适大声的说出他们的想法。 我恨`pink仍然称为女孩的颜色。如果他想要是万圣节的Daphne，我和孩子必须很勇敢的。
我希望我的孩子，所有你的孩子和那些妈妈ABC的孩子们是愉快的。 如果一套紫色闪耀的贴身衬衣和一件柔软光滑的礼服让我的孩字愉快，就让他去吧。 如果他想要带着包包， 嫁给男人或者与他的最佳的女朋友的油漆指甲，都ok。 我生为他的母亲的工作不是抑止他，但是帮助他沿他的方式成为他要成为的人。 我的工作不是口授什么是正常，而是帮助他成为一个好人。
我希望我做着。
并且我的小人儿晃动了那顶假发，卖力地演绎他的服装， 我不会想要其他方式。”

掌声寄以妈妈和儿子。 我强烈的同意她为了把这个世界成为一个更好的地方的决心。然而 这是一个残暴的世界，我们不可以控制其他人的想法或行动。 然而，我们有权利做出我们的决定，想要如何处理情况和它的后果; 我相信孩子有同一权利。 因此，我为我的孩子会有少许不同的做法。 首先，我会听取儿童关心被他人凝视，胁迫或取笑的忧虑。 (他的感觉是对的。) 然后，帮助我的孩子了解他的选择的可能的结果，我同时会充分支持让他做出决定和帮助他应付以后的事。 作为父母，我们有义务警告孩子什么会也许危害他们，同时支持他们的决定和坚持他们帮助他们应付。
一个月前一名青少年自杀为了学校胁迫。 我相信这是可以避免的…

My son is gay - by cop`s wife

This is a story about a very brave mother and her son.
My son is Gay
"or he’s not. I don’t care. He is still my son. And he is 5. And I am his mother. And if you have a problem with anything mentioned above, I don’t want to know you.
I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to post something more in-depth about my sweet boy and his choice of Halloween costume. Or more specifically, the reactions to it. I figure if I’m still irked by it a few days later, I may as well go ahead and post my thoughts.
Here are the facts that lead up to my rant:
1.My son is 5 and goes to a church preschool.
2.He has loved Scooby Doo since developing the ability and attention span to sit still long enough to watch it.
3.Halloween is a holiday and its main focus is wearing a costume.
4.My son’s school had the kids dress up, do a little parade, and then change out of costumes for the rest of the party.
5.Boo’s best friend is a little girl
6.Boo has an older sister
7.Boo spends most of his time with me.
8.I am a woman.
9.I am Boo’s mother, not you.
So a few weeks before Halloween, Boo decides he wants to be Daphne from Scooby Doo, along with his best friend E. He had dressed as Scooby a couple of years ago. I was hesitant to make the purchase, not because it was a cross gendered situation, but because 5 year olds have a tendency to change their minds. After requesting a couple of more times, I said sure and placed the order. He flipped out when it arrived. It was perfect.
Then as we got closer to the actual day, he stared to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
And then the big day arrives. We get dressed up. We drop Squirt at his preschool and head over to his. Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in. And there were several friends of mine that knew what he was wearing that smiled and waved and gave him high-fives. We walk down the hall to where his classroom is.
And that’s where things went wrong. Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. And I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, “Doesn’t he look great?” And Mom A says in disgust, “Did he ask to be that?!” I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn’t I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay.
And then Mom C approaches. She had been in the main room, saw us walk in, and followed us down the hall to let me know her thoughts. And they were that I should never have ‘allowed’ this and thank God it wasn’t next year when he was in Kindergarten since I would have had to put my foot down and ‘forbidden’ it. To which I calmly replied that I would do no such thing and couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. She continued on and on about how mean children could be and how he would be ridiculed.
My response to that: The only people that seem to have a problem with it is their mothers.
Another mom pointed out that high schools often have Spirit Days where girls dress like boys and vice versa. I mentioned Powderpuff Games where football players dress like cheerleaders and vice versa. Or every frat boy ever in college (Mom A said that her husband was a frat boy and NEVER dressed like a woman.)
But here’s the point, it is none of your damn business.
If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.
But it also was heartbreaking to me that my sweet, kind-hearted five year old was right to be worried. He knew that there were people like A, B, and C. And he, at 5, was concerned about how they would perceive him and what would happen to him.
Just as it was heartbreaking to those parents that have lost their children recently due to bullying. IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.’ Those women were trying to bully me. And my son. MY son.
It is obvious that I neither abuse nor neglect my children. They are not perfect, but they are learning how to navigate this big, and sometimes cruel, world. I hate that my son had to learn this lesson while standing in front of allegedly Christian women. I hate that those women thought those thoughts, and worse felt comfortable saying them out loud. I hate that ‘pink’ is still called a girl color and that my baby has to be so brave if he wants to be Daphne for Halloween.
And all I hope for my kids, and yours, and those of Moms ABC, are that they are happy. If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.
I hope I am doing that.
And my little man worked that costume like no other. He rocked that wig, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. "

Kudos to mom and son. I strongly agree with her determination of making this world a better place for her son.

It is a cruel world out there, we can`t control what others will do or think. However, we have the right to make decisions on how we want to handle a situation, and the consequences; I believe children have the same right as well. So, I would have done little differently for my child. First, I would have listened to the child`s concern of being stared at, bullied or making fun of. (His instinct was right.) Then, let my child understand the possible outcome of his choices, at the same time I would let him make the decision by fully support his choices and help him cope with whatever the after math would be. As parents, we have the duty to warn our kids about what might harm them, support their decisions and stand by them to help them cope.

A teen committed suicide a month ago results of school bullying. I believe it could have been avoided…



一个沮丧的夜。。。

我的长子布鲁斯没有睡好觉。。。白天整天吵。。。

我需要远离他一下下。。

当我工作时， 我是一个更好的妈妈。。。

当我工作时，我是一个更好的人。。 。

从日本搬回到马来西亚， 我不断告诉自己，我需要给孩子的日程惯例。

就是不行， 我未能得到日程惯例，总是有事。。。 为什么。。。

我也认为是否有一个佣人，所有这些就不会发生。。。但是我怀疑。。。

 我认为我需要比佣人更强大的力量。

当我在日本时，我曾经也这样认为我丈夫。

如果约翰是更多这或更多那样，则生活有是更好的。。。

真相是，我。。。

我不是妈妈材料，亦不妻子材料。。。

叹气**

 

妈妈需要是像八爪鱼… 有 8只手来帮她的工作….