Just want to share latest pictures...

Have been so very busy lately.... so busy that I did not even take good pictures lately...shame of me.... :-P

my princes are growing so fast....

sometimes, I ask myself, what am I busy working for? for my family or for me?

I really need to enjoy them fully everyday~~

因為有你，家變得更美好

我的儿子每天上课之前还是会说“I dont want to go to school!”（我不要去上课）。 而我学会了不提上课，只做好每一步骤。 开心的起床，快乐的刷牙，专心的吃早餐，学动物穿校服然后大家一起上车去上学了~~

儿子的情况其实还是差不多，可是家里已没有像以前那样一早就无数的叮咛，哭闹， 叫骂与拉扯。我有很多个案的家人不明白这道理，终觉得孩子的问题一定有孩子做出改变才行。父母们， 其实我们有很多方法可以不让我们的孩子牵着我们的鼻子走。

想有与大家分享：



“ 如果我們處於困境，卻屈服於困境，那其實也就不值得一提所謂「遺憾」，或所謂「心有餘而力不足」，無力去改變，那麼一切的抱怨都屬無義，只有我們嘗試去跳脫困境，甚至在困境中試圖去創造另一種佳境，那麼絕對沒有「力有未逮」的不如意，因為「心想事成」不侷限於「只能做大事」，即使是點滴如十分鐘的詢問關心與居家付出，都遠比爸爸們操勞於工作給予家庭與家人實質高所得高成就，都更要能成就圓滿的親子關係與家庭和樂。”

因為有你，家變得更美好


本文出處：Ashley‧艾胥黎愛說話


作者：Ashley

我喜歡凡事從簡單的事開始。

只要能力可及，又是隨手拈來，這樣的開始才有長久的可能。

所以，我教他「用電鍋煮蛋**」，這個從小十指不沾陽春水的男人，為了愛孩子，簡單的事當然沒甚麼不能做的，清晨鬧鐘響起，他從床上跳起後的第一件事是先把蛋下鍋，然後才開始所有盥洗動作，接著溫柔把孩子搖醒，偶爾抱著她直接到浴室刷牙梳髮，這時候多半電鍋已經呼呼冒熱煙，開關跳起，白煮蛋就好了，再打開食物櫃打開冰箱，鮮奶淋上穀片，加上昨晚全家一起去採買的麵包，全程不過十分鐘，這是由爸爸準備的簡單早餐。

一週至多可以有三天的「爸爸送我上學去！」，媽媽躺在床上只消豎起耳朵觀察父女兩人的動靜，然後等著女兒上學前敲門打招呼：「媽媽～我們中午見囉！」，有時候我的眼皮沉重，還會忘了要跟她身後的那一位，說晚上見（或明天見）！

事實是，我們家的爸爸偶爾公司值班不在家，或者加班很晚才回家，某天，小女兒揉揉眼睛不堪等候，連凌晨爸爸趕回家想搖醒她（很任性的爸爸）都呼睡沉沉，隔天一早繼續額頭一吻就又出門了，她張開眼睛時開口第一句話：「把拔昨天有回家嗎？」，這樣的情形司空見慣，不喜歡都要習慣。

所以當看到四月號的「親子天下：家變了，如何重塑家庭力」的專題文章時，是心有戚戚焉，特別是一百三十二頁開始的《爸爸總是不在家》，寫實描述了大部份家庭中，不是朝九晚五工作型態的丈夫與父親，其他家人所面臨的生活種種，是既覺親切，又有些許無奈，但是即使心情峰迴路轉，其實只要夫婦雙方有心也用心，還是可以創造很多的機會，來補足生活中這些常態性又不可免的失落。

雜誌專題中《2011家庭痛苦指數大調查》，摘錄了現代家庭的五大痛點，排名首位即是「愛家爸爸，心有餘而力不足」，調查顯示，因為爸爸們普遍工作繁忙，要把重視家庭關係的感覺化為行動，份外艱鉅，也提出了雖然「情感上」愛家，但在實際行動上，爸爸們投入時間的優先順序，還是「工作成就」居冠.....等等（詳請見【親子天下四月號】），文章中雖然以實際調查說明，諸多「有心愛家」的爸爸們其無從施力於家庭的難處皆有因，卻也客觀點出：爸爸對於家庭普片呈現心有餘而力不足的遺憾，或許是因為沒有真正「費力」經營家庭而起.....

如果我們處於困境，卻屈服於困境，那其實也就不值得一提所謂「遺憾」，或所謂「心有餘而力不足」，無力去改變，那麼一切的抱怨都屬無義，只有我們嘗試去跳脫困境，甚至在困境中試圖去創造另一種佳境，那麼絕對沒有「力有未逮」的不如意，因為「心想事成」不侷限於「只能做大事」，即使是點滴如十分鐘的詢問關心與居家付出，都遠比爸爸們操勞於工作給予家庭與家人實質高所得高成就，都更要能成就圓滿的親子關係與家庭和樂。

只是，親愛的爸爸們，您找到了屬於自己與孩子，與家庭的「快樂十分鐘」嗎？

而話說回來，在我們家早已熟能生巧「用電鍋煮蛋**」的大男人，最近竟然開始「煎荷包蛋」了！

從他聽見女兒隨口：「老是吃白煮蛋，都覺得味道不好了」開始，雖然情緒化回了一句：「那請媽媽早點起床煎蛋吧！」，然後隔天一早他默不吭聲用了醬油去煎蛋，煎了滿鍋的焦香，蛋都沒了蛋味的大家尷尬，到現在問女兒：「爸爸的煎蛋味道如何？」，她馬上直接豎起大拇指點點頭；從毫無技巧的電鍋煮蛋，到開火學著煎好半生不熟的荷包蛋，「爸爸做早餐」的全程就是又多了五分鐘，這五分鐘他只消把鬧鐘的長針往前移動五小格，完全沒有因為升級了煎蛋，有所影響睡眠品質，或耽誤了工作的晨會，唯一改變的，是女兒看到爸爸為了她隨口的一句，所付出的努力與那份心意的珍惜。

有天天回家的爸爸，有天天晚回家的爸爸，也有聚少離多的爸爸，這些爸爸們對子女的愛，不會比另一半要來得少，即使有工作的壓力與責任羈絆，但是只要有心，只要有在家與家人同在的時間，親子（家人）相伴就永遠不會嫌少，爸爸與我的五分鐘，與我的十分鐘，甚至三十分鐘，或者爸爸與我的小約會，只要花些心力去陪伴，即使沒有管理專業，就是連管理大師都萬分不及的「滿分家庭經營」！

爸爸們，調好你的鬧鐘時間了嗎？從短針長針秒針滴答的時間流逝中，一起找一找「你與孩子/與妻子/與所愛的家人，有陪伴就有圓滿的不長不短幾分鐘」吧！

**如何用電鍋煮蛋：

廚房紙巾沾濕，將生蛋完全包覆，放入大同電鍋（不需加水），直接按下煮飯鍵，

等待煮飯鍵跳起將蛋靜置鍋內約莫三分鐘，就是八分熟的白煮蛋了！

My four-year-old refused to go to school...

My four-year-old son started going back to kindergarten/daycare December of last year. March of last year, that was when my second son was born and I started working from home, so Bruce spends full time at home with us. At the beginning of Bruce going back to school, I had everything planned out. His grandfather goes to work at 8 o clock in the morning. I wanted to train him to go to school riding with his grandfather, that way; I won’t have to drive him to school. Then I can pick him up at 6 o clock in the evening that will give me plenty of time working from home while watching my second son. After school, I will have dinner with my sons, next taking shower, spending time together and then getting ready for bed. After they go to bed, I will have time for myself to read book, watch online tv or complete more work. Personally I felt that my plan was perfect.


So then, it started with every morning me getting my oldest son ready, riding in his grandfather`s car together with both my boys and then get ready to pick him up at 6. Things went smoothly at first. Then little things started to change. First change, I started having classes in the evening, or I have late counseling or business appointments which run into my time to pick him up. So I started getting help from his grandmother or his aunt to pick him up at school. And when I have late evening classes, I usually get home when the kids were already in bed. Second change, my personal time after the kids went to bed is running overtime. I started getting to bed late at night which consequently, I have a hard time waking up early. My getting up late means Bruce getting up late, so he started rushing through his morning routine, his breakfast, and getting into his grandfather`s car all alone.

Now, I am not going to lie. He has tried a few tricks so that he can stay at home from the very beginning. For examples, he will try not to cooperate when getting ready, or he will eat very slowly, or he will ask to watch TV or play before going to school, or that he was tired. With a help like a reward system (get a star when he gets ready), or bring his favorite snacks/book/toy to school, he always ended going to school with a smiley face. However, about two to three weeks ago, he started plain refusal to go to school. “I don’t want to go to school” he would say firmly.

For heaven sakes, that was when the war started. Morning crying, screaming, yelling, full grown throwing tantrum while Bruce getting ready and getting into the car. Meanwhile, I also started with every trick that was either recommended (i.e. set natural consequences for not going to school, which is to not able to have fun at home and call his teacher to explain why he decided to not go to school; getting a reward after going to school, either an ice-cream or spend time with me at the playground; express my expectations/feelings and listen to his expectations/feelings and how his behaviors was impacting me; discuss with him his desire reward of positive behaviors) or not recommended ( i.e. threaten him with spanking if he does not go to school, take him to school and let him cry all the way in the car; bribe him with goodies before he goes to school; full force of angry/frustrated mother`s yelling) by parenting experts just so that I could get Bruce to go to school. However, with all these refusal going to school, the most curious thing it that he would have his big smiles and energetic self once his teacher came welcoming him at the school door.

The mind and physically torturing event was creating the most unfriendly home atmosphere. I feel utterly discouraged, tired and worried. I am worried that I created too big of a deal and traumatized my son which could caused school phobia in the future. I am worried that other might think less of me because I can`t even get my child to school. But, I am truly very blessed, not only I have a very good family support system which is very important in raising children, the knowledge/experience and interaction of my job keep me on tracks. Last week during training feedback time, I admitted to the group my frustration, my fear and my lack of ideas. I felt understood, relieved, and most important “human”, after all, I am not competing for best mother of the year award.

I started taking actions as soon as I got home. I reviewed all the signs and what Bruce had told me, that the reason he did not want to go to school was because he wanted to stay at home with me and his brother. I am sure that he likes his school, because he always has his big smile once he get to school, and he often demonstrates what he had learned from school at home with enthusiastic. First thing, I called Bruce`s daycare, and told them my situations. I requested assistance in excusing Bruce for being late to school, and picking him up early on days I needed to have evening classes so that he can go to work with me. I started cutting my tv time at night, going to bed earlier, to let him sleep in a little later, not rushing him through his morning routine, let him eat his breakfast on his pace with me and his brother, and then drive Bruce to school with both of my boys in the car. I also started picking him up 30 mins earlier for fun time after school. Of course, I also sneak in a non recommended method which was creating competition between him and his brother. (i.e., Your brother is putting on the uniform, your brother is getting ready to go to school, your brother is getting into the car) After all, I am only human and deserve to have a break.

This morning, Bruce told me loudly, “mommy, I want to go to school.” He put on his uniform, his backpack and got into the car all by himself. He also made funny faces to his brother, because his brother could not do any of those things by himself. We were singing songs enthusiastically during ride, and got to school with happy faces. Bruce got out of the car, greeted his teacher, said good bye to me. Finally, he routinely said “see you later mommy, I love you mommy” and went into his school.

As I was saying “Have a good day, Bruce” to him, I was thinking, today is a good day, and I will take one day at a time.

Sense of control...

First, let me tell you a story. During my practicum in US for my master of guidance and counseling, I came across a 6- years old Chinese American girl who has school phobia. She would cried and cried when her mother, who was Taiwanese origin, drop her off school in the morning. The little girl would hold on to the car door while yelling and screaming. Her mother was helpless. She did not know what had gone wrong.

During counseling, the mother told me that this little girl loved school when she was 4 years old. In fact, she loved not only school, she loved her after school ballet lessons, swimming lessons, piano lessons, and private Chinese language lessons (in US, most schools do not provide Chinese language class). And when she turned 6, her mother decided to let her have after class tuition to help with her school subjects as well. The most curious thing, this bright cute happy little girl suddenly became so frightful of school, strangers and all her after school curriculums.

When my professor and other American students heard the conversation through the two-way mirror, they were confused. They asked me after session, (this is the words they use) “Why in the world would anyone force a 6 years old little girl to have all this after school activities? And how was I able to be so clam facing this mother” My answer was “ because most children in Asia are expected to be able to go to all these after school lessons, if not more.” They were shocked at our approach in raising children.

Just the other day, one of my friends said, “but, children today are bored with higher stress tolerances so they will be able to handle more stress and workload”. My answer to her was “ perhaps the children are born to be more tolerable, but the big question is will the stress and workload be good for them?”

According to Erick Erickson (founder of The development stages for children) and many other experts, development of sense of control is an important develop milestone for any child and it starts from young age. Children who were not able to develop proper sense of control of either self or environment will very likely to have low esteem, lack of sense of self and responsibilities, more likely to be anxious, to be fearful, to be depressed, less ability to cope with new life events or new environment.

Putting aside what experts says, imagine you yourself being drag from one place to another starting from 7 o’ clock in the morning to 9 or 10 o’clock at night, days after days, years after years without the capability to refuse. Doesn’t life seems so long and purposely suddenly. 

Another side of the story, since I have started SEED, I have been approached by numerous families who have the same problem; their young children are too timid, too fearful. Or worst, their older children had mental breakdown after obtaining 9As but was not able to apply to local university.  

So please ask yourself, if you would rather rise a child who might be able to get 9As during SPM because she was forced to participate in all kind of grantee-to-get-A tuition but have no idea who she is, what her purpose of life or worst someone who can have mental breakdown easily. Or a happy wholistic child who is healthy in all aspect of life, knows herself, her purpose of life but might not get 9A because she knows being a human there are other things that are more important. 

在大厅广众前批评我们孩子

我今天遇到了这个情况。 


当我在影印某一文件时，一名妇女一边被她5岁的儿子拉扯着她的手，她一边在和店员投诉她儿子的种种行为。


我们是否会在某成人面前对着其他人批评他？ 谈话时就好象旁边的人是无形的？ 那为什么我们有会在别人前面评论我们的孩子，好象我们的孩子是无形的呢？ 

每一回聽見大人這樣說孩子，總覺得好不忍心。这是会引起孩子的羞愧与挫敗.挫敗的是孩子会觉得自己做不好，讓成人失望。而這種種的感覺，还得同時在大庭廣眾、眾目睽睽之下，被揪出來。那是多难受？

沒有任何一個大人受得了自己在大庭廣眾下被羞辱，那為什麼我們的孩子（幼兒）應該承受呢？為什麼我們會毫不猶疑的、高高在上的，在眾目睽睽下，責備那身高只及腿或腰的幼兒呢？

或許這其中的重要關鍵就是，我們不覺得幼兒有自尊心。我們覺得他們那矮矮的身驅裡，沒有太多感覺，沒有太多自尊。所以，我們的話不會讓孩子受傷，就算受傷，也是一點點。

更或許，在我們小時候，我們的自尊心也被默視了，所以現在長大了的我們，也看不見幼兒的自尊心？

但是羞辱有用嗎？以羞辱為手段的幼兒教養，會有什麼問題呢？

直接攻擊個人的自尊，讓人覺得渺小、一無是處，所達成的效果就是羞愧。孩子生活在這類的語言下，所成就的是大人的願望，所犧牲的，是孩子自身的尊嚴。

傷害孩子的尊嚴，最大的影響就是孩子覺得不應該正視自己的想法、情緒和感覺。傷害孩子的尊嚴，所帶來的長遠影響是，他們日後也不會正視他人的想法、情緒和感覺。這樣的輪迴，所帶來的默視情緒，甚至情緒傷害，永無止境。

個兒小不表示自尊線也很低